December 25, 2002

You sleep one third of the day. If you only dream while you sleep, you will get less done then those who dream while they are awake. Olympia Ray Murray

Dreaming is all that I have. Getting what I dream is something that isn't very likely to happen.

I dont know why things never work out for me but, I suppose that everyone has said that same sentence at least once in their lifetime. I don't know how I have him either. Being with someone that can and will actually get somewhere would be much easier. I think I am just holding him back. I don't know how he could bare to be with me.

I still havent managed to gain weight.... I still havent managed to be happy with myself. There are things that I would rather not fix. But, there are things that I dream about every single day. There are little things that wouldnt mean anything years from now. Then, there are things that people would think as petty. But, I am too lazy, and too busy to follow through with these obstacles that I try to think would make me happy. I like to imagine that life will be perfect when my room is perfectly clean and organized. I like to think that I will be happy when I get a companion or pet. I like to dream that falling in love will fix everything. But, even though these things are all so nice and would definitely help my stress, they wont fix things, make me happy, or make my life perfect. Maybe, I think, that if I get good grades and get the hell out of this place, everything will be perfect kind of like the movies. I think these things all the time. I lie to myself all the time. I like to, I guess. In fact, I love to assure myself that everything will be ok one day, someday. I am sitting here on a bed full of tissue paper, crying my eyes out. Today is Christmas and to make matters even worse, today is my birthday. It doesnt matter though. Just because of the day, I wont be happy. I have many dreams. I have many wishes. To me, dreams are things that we love to think about. To me they are the ideas that keep us company and sometimes they are the things that we hope will one day happen to us. Wishes are different then dreams. Maybe some people will disagree with me. But, I have my own opinion on things. To me, wishes are the things that we know wont happen, the things that we dont even dream about. Such as, I want a Porsh. But, there is no way in hell that I can get one. Therefore, I am not going to make plans on how in the hell I am going to receive my Porsh. These words are very personal to me. They are my thoughts sometimes my dreams, and, on rare occasions, my wishes.

I try not to abuse the privilege of writing. I love to write, I love to read. To those who never had the gift of learning, I will write for the rest of my life. To those who werent aloud to learn and those who didnt even try, I have to tell you that I will write every day thinking of you. Thinking of what you are missing. Of course, you will never read this because, obviously you cant read. Thankfully our education is getting better. Unfortunately, it is going to the extreme. The extreme is the fact that you have to be smarter then a 19^th century professor to graduate. Sadly enough, I believe this has caused many people to get out as soon as they were aloud. I have gone through school learning about naming ions, naming covalent ions, learning how to cross multiply with decimals and fractions, learning how to talk in front of people, and of course learning how to label sentences. But, I dont complain, I have learned more then my parents have in a lifetime. I just feel sorry for those that dont catch on quite as quick and will have no career just because the work was too intense for them. Even the most intelligent of our race wasnt always a genius. I suppose that I am going on about things that dont really matter, and things that no one is interested in reading but, if you arent then hit the x in the upper right corner. But, if you are a curious person that loves to get into the minds of other people, I would read more of my words because I share all of my thoughts. I guess I just hope that maybe someone will agree with me and I will feel good for actually thinking like a normal human.